So What Exactly Is Game, By The Way?

Intricately woven within the dynamic of urban dating is a peculiar and often times unforgiving little Game. All African-Americans are aware of this Game and the vast majority of us apply its concepts to virtually everything that we pursue, including one another. But, how exactly is this Game played? Moreover, and perhaps more to the point how does this Game affect urban dating?

In other posts, I have explained the Game as a social-economic calamity from which those who are willing to exploit the will and recourses of the weak (people, companies and the system) can create their own opulence in it. But within the context of that definition, there is so much more to explain as it relates to how this is accomplished.

The best way to explain how the Game is actually played is to compare it to a professional sport, such as Basketball. As we all know, you cannot be a professional at the Game of Basketball unless your Game has a solid offense and defense. These same realities apply to this Game.

When a person applies their Game offensively it basically means that they are acquiring commodities of value (money, credit, human capital, sexual capital, respect, valuables and valuable information) from others. And when they apply their Game defensively they are preventing commodities of value (money, credit, principles, human capital, sexual capital, respect, valuables and valuable information) from being compromised.

OFFENSE

Fortunately, most African-Americans don’t practice the offensive side of the Game to its fullest extent. We may hustle the system on occasion or an institution here and there but for the most part, we work hard for what we want and are uninterested in hustlin’ the next human being in order to get ahead.  But because there are those of us mixed in who will exploit any living, breathing thing perceived to be weak, many of the rest of us are constantly on are P’s and Q’s.

This handful can be very unassuming and extremely patient. Oftentimes, you can spend several months or even years with one of them in what appears to be a happy, committed relationship before waking up one day and realizing that you were nothing more than a vehicle to advance them to the next level in the Game. This, again, is why this Game also has a defense.

DEFENSE

In professional sports defense wins championships. In the Game, maintaining your defensive mores is what will allow you to survive your relationship journey. This is why most African-Americans have custom defensive mores, which they apply to their dating experiences and relationships.

So, what exactly are these defensive mores and how do they negatively affect urban dating? Let me explain. The defensive mores that I’m referring to are a network of principles and philosophy that we are born with and acquire with age (usually by way of negative life experiences). These principles and philosophy swirl tightly inside the mind like a cyclone waiting to be explained, defended or, should the individual run across a stronger view, reevaluated. They manifest through conversation

LET’S CONVERSATE

When the average black man and woman enter into a conversation, the principles and philosophy of one or both loom patiently for an opportunity to take the conversation to another level. Often times this darker psychological dance never takes place as laughter, bantering and activities not conducive to serious dialogue keep the conversation on the surface. But, should the conversation gravitate towards topics more endearing to the mind, body and soul, such as negative life experiences, social-economic issues, hopes, expectations and sex; the principles and philosophy of one or both begin a dark dance to unearth whatever lies beneath the other’s veil. Usually the person with the most well thought out principles and philosophy, or who is better at explaining them, will gain a coy position of dominance within the dynamic of this newly-formed relationship.

ENTER THE GAME

Once the ensuing relationship gets to a certain point—this point can be reached after a few deep conversations, or it may also take a torrid sexual encounter or two to get there—the lover with the lesser defensive mores begins to go blind i.e. blindly in love, blindly infatuated or blindly pussy-whipped. This gives the lover with the stronger defensive mores the opportunity to establish his or her view inside their new companion’s mind. Once inside, they can control the relationship journey for however long their companion stays preoccupied with emotions and sex. In many instances, however, the person with the stronger defensive mores chooses not to lead their companion down paths that are not beneficial to both of them. But, for an increasing number of African-Americans, kids, bills, idolatry or other secret dilemmas far more important than a companion can compel us to traverse paths designed specifically for us and let any companion who chooses to follow do so at their own risk.

What erases any guilt is the fact the Game, in and of itself, is moral. Yes, I said moral. It’s all about freedom and choices, nothing more. In the Game, there are no borders or boundaries, doors or locks, fees or fines, rules or laws. There are philosophies and codes of conduct, but you have to abide by them only if you choose to. In this Game, you are free to walk whatever path you choose to walk and go wherever you want to go. If you change your mind then you are free to turn around and go back to your original path or choose from an endless number of other paths to traverse. All you have to do is make a choice.

We all have the right to make a choice in this Game. And, so does any companion who chooses to tag along. For example, we all have a right to walk into a car dealership, right? If we have a companion, they have a right to follow; if that companion chooses to follow one of us into the car dealership and sit down next to us, then we have a right to ask them to co-sign for a car. Of course, they have a right to say no. Then we have a right to say, well I don’t want to see you anymore; and they have a right to say fine. You see?

This is what makes this Game moral to most African-Americans, the fact that a companion always has the ability to walk away. But here’s the thing: if that companion chooses not to walk away and instead chooses to co-sign for that car then most African-Americans—even many who do not see themselves as hustlers—will still accept that signature and drive off in that car. That is because the Game is not the problem. The problem is the choices we make. If you make too many bad choices in this Game, then many of you will likely find yourselves (if you haven’t already) bottom-feeding along its ragged edge. However, if you stay true to your path and make the right choices then you may find the opulence buried deep within it that so many of us seek.

What has destroyed marriage in the black community, in addition to bad choices, are laws; marriage laws, custody laws, child support laws, etc. and the rules with which they come. Getting connected to a person by laws and rules in a Game where there are no laws or rules prevents you from walking away seamlessly from one relationship path to the next, which is why an ever growing number of African-Americans are trying to avoid relationships bound by laws. Most African-Americans nowadays simply want to start their relationships off as friendships, see what develops and try not to put a label on it. If you get married in this ever-changing Game and evolve away from that title then, not only are you dealing with laws and rules; you are also dealing with fees and fines just to get back on the path that you want to take. Ain’t too many black people with kids, bills, bankruptcies or other secret dilemmas got time for all of that! Most of us just want to live hard, make love even harder, be dedicated and real within the context of whatever relationship we choose to have without having to worry about rules, laws and potential fees and fines. What’s so bad about that?

Another phenomenon that negatively affects the dynamic of urban dating is called Game recognizing Game. This is when lovers who both possess strong defensive mores choose to walk away rather than relinquish their high-powered principles and philosophy for that of the other. Issues such as who’s going to pay the tab or who’s going to receive oral sex—non-issues for most other races—can cause two Game tight African-Americans to keep it movin’ (walk away) despite having great promise in a host of other areas.

So, despite what the experts may argue, these are some of the real reasons why an increasing number of black men and women are no longer getting legally married.

So what do you think? Is The Relationship Shaman onto something or just full of it? Voice your opinion and start the debate!