Your Veil of Secrets

A few years ago I met a young woman through an online dating service. During our phone conversation she led me to believe that she was hiding an experience that would say more about her then what she was telling me. Eager to unearth this potentially salacious secret, and find the real her, I began probing. Once the question made sense to ask, and there were no outs left for her but the truth, I asked the question. But instead of getting a confession I craved the young woman stopped me in my tracks by telling me,” I don’t know you like that.”

As I sat quietly on the phone pursing my lips, she added that an uncle once told her that there are certain things that you just don’t tell men. Even though I didn’t admit it to her, the fact of the matter was, her uncle could not have given her sounder advice.

The more you open up, the more you explain, the more the subconscious you develops a connection with the listener, enabling him to download his image and viewpoints into your Inner Sanctum. Once he’s in he can evolve into whatever he chooses. And if he chooses to become something bad then by the time you get him out of your head the damage he can potentially cause to your mind, body and soul can haunt you for the rest of your life.

The average user can’t afford, however, to invest a lot of time and money determining if a woman is usable. He needs to know what you are Capable Of up front. Fortunately, there are very few guys out there who know the female mind extensively enough to get this critical intel quickly and accurately. Most stumble across it by accident or, worse yet, have these secrets thrown in their laps by females who are eager to talk.

This is why it is very important to make sure that a man is interested in you for the right reasons before you divulge sensitive information. Just because he seems interested in what you have to say does not mean that he has your best interest at heart or even likes what he’s hearing. Being too candid too soon can be perceived as a weakness that some men shy away from and others like to exploit.

By maintaining your Veil of Secrets during the Spring of your relationship cycle you are showing a backbone that guys worth dating will respect and will make users move on to easier prey. There will come a time to be candid but the Spring of your relationship cycle is not that time. Here are some examples of what should stay hidden and why.

Attracting a User

A history of being used: For you it’s a heart-to-heart conversation about the men in your past who took advantage of you. But guys who use women for a living know how to sift through these stories for patterns of weakness. It is their belief that if you were trusting, supportive, tolerant or forgiving in past relationships then these characteristics are likely a part of who you are, waiting to embrace a man who can convince you that he is different from the others.

The guys I’m referring to are not like the idiots you see on court TV shows smiling at the judge while being sued by ex-girlfriends over monetary gifts and cell phones. The guys I’m talking about want women for their housing, transportation and sexual capital, and are extremely clever at building a relationship around their ideas and having these commodities entrusted to them by women who exhibit the traits mentioned in the previous paragraph. So if you have stories about letting people move in because they had no place to go, financially supporting a man, indulging in risqué sexual behavior (sexting falls under this category)  or letting an ex borrow your vehicle while you were at school or work, keep it to yourself. Most of these behaviors can easily be justified within the context of a committed relationship and are slippery slopes to some of the Game’s darker levels.

Voluntary isolation: One of the biggest threats to a guy trying to take advantage of a woman is friends and family. Fathers, brothers and, if their old enough, sons, especially, usually aren’t shy about confronting a man who they suspect is mistreating a female loved one. This is why users will go to great lengths to keep themselves and you as far away from your friends and family as possible, and will troll through your life story for situations where you tolerated being isolated in previous relationships.  So if you have stories about being with a man despite objections from friends and family, not being able to see friends and family because of an ex or moving out of state with a guy you weren’t married to because it seemed like a good idea, keep it to yourself.

Sexual abuse: Sexual abuse cuts particularly deep, especially if it occurred when you were a child. Telling someone who truly loves you about these atrocities can create a bond that runs even deeper. But telling the wrong guy these stories can condemn you to reliving the nightmare over and over again. Control freaks often resort to belittling or faulting their women for these nightmares as a way of maintaining control while abusers believe they know how to get to that aspect of you that tolerated it so they may perform similar acts. Even men who don’t normally push a women’s envelope can suddenly get into the mood if they find out that men in your past got away with it. This is why it is very important that you know a person extremely well before you confess your life’s darkest stories to them.

Making a bad impression on a Good Guy

For free: Establishing a relationship that extends beyond the bedroom requires getting a man to invest time and money in you before you begin having sex with him. This is what establishes a value in his eyes for you that will justify him spending time (that’s not for sex) and money throughout the relationship. But if the conversations leading up to the first date expose that your relationship history amounted to nothing more than booty calls and one night stands and you feel the need to vent these truths, do so with your girlfriends.

Young and dumb submissive behavior: Most guys worth dating are going to want the same level of effort from you in a relationship that you gave in the past. Describing the ways in which you spoiled, pampered or tried different sex acts with an ex, followed by why you’re no longer into the behavior is of little value to a new relationship.

The Spring of your relationship cycle is a great opportunity to leave the past behind you and shape a new relationship to your best interest. By maintaining your Veil of Secrets you can be more assured that the attention you receive is for the you that you are intending to project and not a vulnerable aspect of you that has been inadvertently unveiled.

This is not The Relationship Shaman’s recommendation to string people along by hiding truths that you would want to know about if you were in their shoes. Certain issues should definitely be explained up front. Use common sense. The point here is to keep the conversation on a positive note, relative to the two of you getting to know each other and devoid of information that can come back to haunt or harm you should the guy turn out to be a jerk. Good luck!